I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
