it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
