Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
