Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
