Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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