You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
