so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
