This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I wish there were birth control emojis
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
