i already hear my dad disowning me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
