Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
