she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
