everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
