I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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