i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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