My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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