shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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