I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
