Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
