let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
