I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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