sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
