What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
