Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
