I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
