I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
