i just had sex bonerless
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
