hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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