she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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