Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
