I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
