Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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