Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Is it penis luge time yet?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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