all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
