how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
