You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Randomize
