He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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