i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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