I heard we made out
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
