Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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