o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
