my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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