Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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