The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
