maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She told me I should be a condom model.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
