I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
