just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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