who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize