My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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