She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
