My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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