dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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