I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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