So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
