He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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