Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
