I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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