i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is it penis luge time yet?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
