is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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