just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
