I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
