If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
